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The 24-Hour Chapel of Elvis
Full Script[View Synopsis Only]Scene: a 24-hour wedding chapel in Las Vegas. Barbara and Keith are about to be married by a not-very-convincing Elvis. The organist is playing "Love me Tender" as the processional while Barb and Keith make their way to the front.
Elvis: (when Barb and Keith arrive) Dearly beloved, we are gathered here this evening to witness the joining of Keith: Wait just a minute here! Your sign said that we would be married by Elvis! Now, where is he? Elvis: I am the King! Keith: No offense, but you don't even look like him! Pricilla, maybe - but even that's a stretch! Elvis: Elvis has left the building - but I will be the King in proxy! Now, Maestro, if you would (the organist again launches into "Love me Tender") Elvis: Dearly beloved Barb: Keith, I can't believe you got us into this! I can't believe we're getting married at a 24-hour chapel by a female Elvis! Keith: Come on, Barb, you know this was the only place that would do it for $20! Elvis: Did I mention that you needed to pay the musician separately? Keith: (fishes out a bill) Oh, OK. Barb: I can't believe it. There goes the rest of our money! Of course, maybe we would have more than $20 left if you hadn't gambled everything else away at the Blackjack table! (the organist has given up by this time) Keith: Come on baby, I just had a little bad luck. Maybe you shouldn't have bought those Barry Manilow tickets - I can't believe I'm going to a Barry Manilow concert for my honeymoon! Barb: Well at least we'll have something to do on our honeymoon - no thanks to you! Elvis: Now wait just a minute folks. I don't mean to interfere, but the clock is running. Oh, and may I remind you to please sign the register on your way out? Keith: Sure, I'll take care of it. Barb: No, I think I better take care of it. Remember, I'm the smart one! At least I finished high school! Keith: Oh, there she goes again, rubbing it in. Barb, everyone knows the only reason I didn't finish is because I got sick the last semester! Barb: Sick of school, you mean! Keith: No, I believe it was you that pushed me over the edge: remember how you were so close with the whole football team? Barb: Gimme a break: we weren't even dating in the spring! Keith: (pulls out a little book) Oh yes we were: we started dating in November, and here I've got it written down that you were "eating lunch with the whole team December 8th!" Barb: I can't believe you've got that written down - what about later when you stood me up for the Senior Prom? Keith: Come on, Barb. You know my car broke down! (To Elvis) Can we just get on with this? I'd like to have at least a little time before she looses all her looks and becomes the former Mrs. Carlson! Elvis: Don't be cruel! Barb: Well, you're no hunka-hunka burning love yourself! Elvis: Returned to sender! Keith: Oh yeah? You know very well that when I drive down the road in my '78 Camero convertible that I look like Brad Pitt! Barb: Arm Pit you mean! Elvis: Now, wait! Wait just a minute here. I don't mean to pry, but something is not right here. (turns to Keith) You, you're treatin' her like she ain't nothin' but a hound dog! (turns to Barb) And you're not doing any better! Now listen to me: Wise men say, "only fools rush in," and the way you two are rushing, I see you heading straight for the Heartbreak Hotel. You two don't have true love! Love is gentle, love is kind! It keeps no record of wrongs! Keith: That isn't in a song! Elvis: Well it should be! Because love is not proud, it is not selfish, and it never gives up! It always hopes, always perseveres. True love never fails! Keith: Wow, Elvis, when you put it that way, I think I see that that's kind of what I feel for my car! Thanks Elvis, you just saved me from a big mistake! (runs out) Barb: Yeah, and it's what I feel for my little poodle Fluffy - and my credit cards! Thanks Elvis! (runs out) Elvis: No, Thank you. Thank you very much.
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