The Sweepstakes

Actors: 5+ Reference: James 4:2-3 Notes: As far as props go, a couch or chairs could be useful, but not necessary - we sat on the floor to give ourselves more room. A big, cardboard fake “$10 Million” check would be great, as would an apron, a police hat or badge, and other minor costume pieces. Most everything ought to be mimed since there are so many scene changes.

Full Script

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Setting: Joe’s living room. Joe is sitting in front of the TV, watching the Superbowl pre-game show. His friends are supposed to be showing up any minute now. As the scene begins, one of those Publisher’s Clearing House commercials comes on, and Joe perks up.

Joe: (To himself) Wow! Wouldn’t it be great if I won that $10 million? Boy, think of everything I could do with that prize! (stretches back, dreamily, closing his eyes briefly.)

Katie: (knocking at the door and breezing in) Hey, Joe! Is it on yet? I brought you some Snapple! (starts to sit on the couch)

Joe: (suddenly alert) Hey - watch out! Don’t sit on my claim ticket!

Katie: Claim ticket? What are you talking about?

Joe: (Scoops it up so Katie can sit) For the Publisher’s Clearing House Sweepstakes, of course! I’m going to win, you know - I’m in the final round!

Katie: Uh, Joe, I hate to say this, but I got one of those too. Everybody did. You are not going to win that prize!

Joe: Oh yes I am! I can feel it - I’ve been praying for it all week long!

Katie: Praying for it? And just what makes you thing God wants you to win that prize, anyway?

Joe: Well, it says God wants to grant us the desires of our hearts, right? And the desire of my heart is to win that 10 million bucks! Plus, I promised I’d donate like at least 10% to the church - they’re trying to raise money for a new building, right? Think of what a million bucks would get them!

Katie: Somehow I’m not convinced. I just don’t think God works that way.

Joe: Sure he does! You just gotta have faith!

Katie: No he doesn’t!

Joe: Uh huh!

Veronica: (Suddenly appears, preferable perched on something like a piano, or at least leaning against a wall) Um, hello?

Katie & Joe: Who are you?!

Veronica: I’m Veronica the Angel. God heard you wishing to win that Sweepstakes, so he sent me down to see you. You’ve got the use of me for one hour. What’ll it be?

Joe: An Angel? You mean like Clarence on “It’s a Wonderful Life?” See Katie, I told you God wanted me to win that prize!

Veronica: (Perhaps a little too vehemently, as if she’s encountered this before) No, I am NOT Clarence, I am Veronica, and your hour is ticking.

Katie: Veronica the Angel? Look, Joe, I don’t know what’s going on here, but I don’t think I like it. It sounds dangerous. Let’s just sit down and watch the game and maybe she’ll go away. Here, have a Snapple.

Joe: I don’t know, Katie, Clarence here sounds pretty genuine. (Starts to drink his Snapple)

Veronica: (cuts in) It’s Veronica!

Joe: (ignores her) Ugh! Diet Lemon! (Katie looks exasperated) Hey, how about a little test? See this Snapple here? I hate Diet Lemon. Can you turn it into Raspberry, Clarence?

Veronica: It’s Veronica! But yes, I can. (snaps her fingers or something)

Joe: Wow! Look at that! It worked! (takes a swig) And it tastes even better than usual! See, Katie, I’m gonna win that prize!

Katie: (Still not sure about all this) I don’t know Joe, something about this just seems fishy. Are you sure you want to ask Clarence, uh, Veronica for that?

Joe: Of course I am! Clarence, bring on Dick Clark!

Veronica: Whatever you say. But please, the name is Veronica! (Snaps her fingers again.) (Doorbell rings)

Joe: See Katie, there they are! Outta my way - I’ve gotta get that door! (Bolts for the door)

Dick Clark: Are you Joe?

Joe: Yeah! That’s me!

Dick Clark: Then it is my pleasure to inform you that you have won our $10 million Sweepstakes! (An assistant crowds in, bearing the large fake check.) Do you have your claim ticket?

Joe: All right! I won! I won! I can’t believe it! I won! Uh, my claim check. Where is it? (Veronica nonchalantly hands it to him - neither Dick Clark or the assistant seem to notice her presence)

Joe: Oh, here it is! (hands it to Dick Clark and gets the check in return. Dick Clark and Assistant fade out) I can’t wait to spend this! I’m gonna get a Corvette, and maybe a Caddy, and some new golf clubs, and a new house - and oh yeah, my parent’s place is pretty skimpy too ...

Katie: What about the church?

Joe: Oh yeah, the church. Well, I’m sure I’ll get to that eventually.... (Doorbell rings)

Joe: Who could that be? (Katie answers it)

IRS Agent: Hello, I’m Mr. Colter with the IRS. You the one who won the $10 million?

Joe: Yeah, that’s me. What do you want?

IRS Agent: (mutters to himself) Why don’t these things ever happen to me? (To Joe) Well, the thing of it is...

Joe: And there is a thing?

IRS Agent: Yup. I’m afraid there seems to be some trouble with your latest tax return. $10 million is a large gain, you see.

Joe: (Groans) Taxes?!? I forgot about them? What am I going to do? I don’t know how to deal with that!

Katie: Maybe if you had an accountant...

Joe: Yeah! A financial accountant! There we go! Clarence, get me an accountant!

Veronica: (irritated) It’s Veronica! (snaps her fingers. IRS walks out and is replaced by Mr. Swindle)

Mr. Swindle: Hello, I’m Swindle, a bonded, licensed, and insured tax accountant. Just sign this form, and everything will be taken care of. Just write your checks, and I’ll take care of all the rest.

Joe: Wow, thanks! (Signs form, which MS takes and departs) (To Katie) Now, let’s go spend this! Where was I?

Katie: I believe it was the Corvette.

Joe: Yeah, let’s go! (heads for door) (Doorbell rings again)

Joe: Who could that be? (Opens door)

Cop 1: You Joe, the big winner?

Joe: Um, yeah, that’s me.

Cop 1: Up against the wall! (spread-eagles Joe against the wall. Cop 2 does the same to Katie)

Katie: Hey! What’s goin' on here?

Cop 1: You hired that crooked tax accountant, Swindle, didn’t you?

Katie: Was that his name?

Joe: Crooked?! Why that little...

Cop 2: Yeah. He was robbing you blind, and now he’s dead!

Katie & Joe: DEAD?!?

Cop 1: And since you had the biggest account with him, we figure you had the biggest motive. You have the right to remain silent....(continues quietly as the scene progresses)

Joe: Oh no! Katie, what are we going to do? I don’t want to go to jail! I wish I was somewhere - anywhere else!

Veronica: (snaps her fingers.) (The policemen disappear, and suddenly Katie and Joe find themselves alone in the middle of the woods - except for Veronica, of course.)

Katie: Where are we?

Joe: Uh, I don’t know. It looks like a forest. Oh yeah, Clarence musta bailed us out when I said I wanted to be somewhere else! Cool!

Katie: Are those dogs I hear? (somewhere in the distance dogs are barking.)

Cop 1: (shouts from off stage) Halt! You are wanted for evading arrest!

Katie: (starts running) She obviously didn’t do anything about the cops. What are we going to do now?

Joe: Uh, Uh, I don't know! This is turning into a real mess! (Notices Veronica, still perched off to the side) Clarence!

Veronica: It’s Veronica! (Cop 1 runs onto stage. Cop 2 is now a police dog, straining at the leash)

Joe: (running off stage) Veronica! You’ve got to save us! Take us, uh, somewhere they can’t get us - somewhere with lots of people! (Veronica snaps her fingers)

Katie: (both coming back on, Joe without his check) Now where are we?

Joe: I don’t know - looks like a city - watch out for that truck! Katie &

Joe: Ahhhh! (run out of the street)

Joe: (panting) Look! There’s an Ice Cream shop! Let’s duck in! (The proceed to do so)

Katie: Phew! We’re safe! Hey - look! You dropped your check out in the street! (runs off stage to retrieve it)

Attendant:Hello, welcome to “We Scream Ice Cream.” How may I help you?

Joe: Can I have a double scoop of Rocky Road, please?

Attendant:I’m sorry sir, but we ran out this afternoon. The truck doesn’t come ‘til Monday.

Joe: Oh, man! What a horrible day! First I get framed for murder, than I get chased by police dogs, then I practically get run over by a truck, and all I really want is some Rocky Road ice cream! (Veronica snaps her fingers. We hear Katie scream off stage)
(Truck Driver runs in, looking horrified)

Attendant:What are you doing here?

Truck Driver: I know I usually don’t come ‘til Monday, but I got a call to deliver some Rocky Road ice cream right now, but as I was pulling up, this lady ran in front of the truck and I hit her!

Attendant:Oh no! Quick! Call 911! (runs to the back with Truck Driver. Joe is left alone with Veronica)

Joe: This is terrible! All I wanted was to win that stupid sweepstakes, but now I’ve been robbed by MS, framed for murder, chased by dogs, and practically run over by a truck, and now my friend got hit by another truck just because I wanted some Rocky Road ice cream! What can I do?

Veronica: Well, that’s up to you, but you’ve only got 5 minutes left on your hour.

Joe: 5 minutes? Oh no! What can I .... Hey! I know! Clare - er - Veronica, I wish none of this had ever happened! I wish I was back in my front room watching the Superbowl with my friends! (Veronica snaps her fingers. Joe resumes his place in front of the TV, obviously sound asleep)

Katie: (Shaking him) Joe! Joe! Wake up! It’s almost time for the sweepstakes winner to be announced! Quick, get your claim ticket! (Doorbell rings, and other actors - including Veronica - walk in, bearing party snacks.)

Joe: Wha -- wha! Oh! It’s you! You’re not dead!

Katie: Dead? Joe, are you all right? Have you been dreaming?

Joe: Uh, yeah, I guess so. Yeah - I dreamed I was arrested, and then I got away, and - and you got hit by an ice cream truck, and (locates whichever actor was the dog) you were a dog!

Actor: A Dog?!

Katie: Well, you’re awake now. Look - there’s the sweepstakes truck - Joe! It’s coming down your street! (Joe looks horrified) It’s stopping! It’s stopping .... Across the street. Awww. Too bad, Joe!

Joe: No, No, I’m glad I didn’t win! I know where that would get me!

Veronica: Joe, sometimes you’re a pretty strange guy. Here, have a Raspberry Snapple - your favorite!

Joe: AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!