Pill Pusher

Actors: 4
Reference: 1 Peter 3:15,
Notes: This skit is an example of how an old idea (in this case, the skit "Medicine," which you'll find early in this archive) can be taken and adapted into a new shape as circumstances dictate. Not only were far fewer actors available this time, but fact of the matter is, there were pieces of Medicine that bothered me a little bit when looked at 5+ years later - specifically, its emphasis on witnessing to perfect strangers and expecting an immediate response. We've come to recognize evangelism as a far more organic, relationship-based process of late, and this new skit reflects that.

Full Script

[View Synopsis Only]
Fred sits in the combination break and copy room with a huge book of stuff to copy. He's chatting on the phone with Steve, a friend who gave him a bottle of Xian 6 months ago.

Fred: Steve! How's it going? Yeah, I'm pretty much stuck at work for the foreseeable future. Got a huge mountain of stuff to copy for my boss ' I'll be camping out in the copy room all day. Hey, y'know, the reason I called is - you remember that Xian you gave me a month or two ago? Really? It's been 6 months? You're kidding! Oh, no, you're right, it was about Thanksgiving wasn't it? Well, you were totally right about it: my headache is gone and it's never come back! Great stuff! Yeah, but you know, I'm kinda feeling bad. I haven't managed to give it to anyone else. I'm sort of afraid to try, if you know what I mean. Yeah, I know, everyone's got a headache and this is the only thing really guaranteed to cure it. Just be natural? Yeah, I guess, but well- it's hard to - well, OK. Oh, hey, Steve, gotta go ' someone just walked in. I'll call you back.

Annie: Do you have a lot left to copy?

Fred: Oh, yeah, a bunch - but don't worry, you can cut in here. I need a break anyway. Just going to make some coffee. Need some?

Annie: You sure? OK, thanks - I've just got a couple of pages to copy. (goes over to the copier and starts looking confusedly at the controls.) Dang, there's gotta be a collate button on here.

Fred: It's right there. (points)

Annie: Oh, thanks. Um, isn't there a way to make 'em two sided?

Fred: Yeah, you just push this one. Hey, y'know, it can be awfully hard to concentrate on stuff like this when you've got a headache, can't it?

Annie: Headache? I wouldn't know.

Fred: Of course you do - I mean, you've got a headache, don't you? Everyone does.

Annie: I don't think I mentioned having a headache. What's that got to do with anything?

Fred: (cuts her off ' very clumsy and heavy handed) 'Cause I've got this great pill. It's called Xian and it's guaranteed to end headaches for good.

Annie: I don't Need a pill for anything right now!

Fred: Sure you do! Just look at this label!

Annie: I don't HAVE a headache! (Flustered, turning back to the copier) PC Load Letter' What the Heck?! I hate these stupid machines. Look, I think I'll just finish my copies downstairs. Thanks anyway, I gotta go.

Fred: Wait! Don't you want this Xian? (sitting back down.) Dang it. That didn't go so well. I knew this was a bad idea.
(Dawn walks in)

Dawn: Are you going to be in here for a while?

Fred: Oh, no - go right ahead, I'll be here forever. You might as well do yours first.

Dawn: OK, thanks. (begins competently making copies)

Fred: Hey, haven't I seen you around here a lot burning the midnight oil?

Dawn: Oh, yeah, well, you gotta do what it takes to get ahead, you know.

Fred: Yeah, but that much extra work has got to give you a headache, if you know what I mean.

Dawn: Oh, I can handle it. It's all part of the territory. If you can't take the heat, stay out of the kitchen, y'know!

Fred: Yeah, but being in pain isn't going to help anything. I have a pill you could take to get rid of that. It's called Xian.

Dawn: (Defensively) What, are suggesting I can't handle it? That I don't have what it takes for my job?

Fred: No, of course not, all I meant was that a headache -

Dawn: 'Cause I can you know! I don't appreciate that insinuation at all! Are you angling for my job' You think just 'cause I'm a woman in a male-dominated profession I can't make it happen?

Fred: No! I just wanted to help you with your headache!

Dawn: I don't NEED any help from you!

Fred: But!

Dawn: Look, Smite you, buddy! I'll go finish my copies somewhere else. (Leaves hurriedly)

Fred: (Yells after her) Hey, if you don't take these pills your head's going to explode and you'll die!!! (sitting back down in disgust.) Dang! Why are people so unreasonable' All I wanted to do was help.
(Orangejello* walks in)

Fred: Hey, Orangejello. How's it going?

Orangejello: (Obviously a little out of it ' wincing a little perhaps, or holding her head.) Fred, hi. I think I came in here for something. What was it?

Fred: Copies, perhaps' Here, why don't you just slide in ahead of me.

Orangejello: Thanks. (makes no real move towards the copier.)

Fred: Oh, hey, I've got that book you lent me here to give back. Thanks for lending it to me - it was a great read.

Orangejello: No problem! You want the next one in the series?

Fred: Sure- thanks! Oh, and Orangejello' I just realized I missed your birthday. Sorry this is a little late - the wife wrapped it for me. (hands her a package.)

Orangejello: Wow, thanks, Fred. That was awfully nice of you to remember! I really appreciate it!

Fred: Not a problem. Hey, Orangejello, you and I have been friends quite a while, right?

Orangejello: Yeah, sure, 2-3 years, I think. Ever since you started here.

Fred: Yeah, and you know, there's one thing I've always wondered. It's about your name. Where'd that come from? 'Cause it's spelled just like -

Orangejello: Oh, don't say it! (resignedly.) OK, so my mother really had this thing for citrus gelatin products when she was pregnant.

Fred: You're kidding! 'Cause I was just going to say that it's spelled just like Orange Jello! Ha-ha!

Orangejello: Yeah, yeah, get it over with! If you come to my next party, you can meet my brother Lemonjello.

Fred: Oh, that's fabulous! I love it! Seriously, though, speaking of parties, we're having a little BBQ this weekend - just inviting a handful of friends. You and your husband want to come? We had a wonderful time at yours last month.

Orangejello: That'd be great - we'd love to come. But you know, (winces again, hold her head.)

Fred: Are you OK?

Orangejello: No, not really. I was just going to say that I really miss being able to enjoy things without this terrible headache. Seems like I've had I forever, and it's only getting worse.

Fred: Oh, wow, that's too bad. (tentatively) You know, I used to have a terrible headache too.

Orangejello: Used to? You mean you don't now?

Fred: Well, no. You remember Steve' Used to work here a year ago' Well, he gave me this really great pill called 'Xian.' I took it just once, 6 months ago, and I haven't had a headache since!

Orangejello: Six months! That must be a miracle drug!

Fred: (has the bottle in his hand by now.) It really is. Look, the label guarantees that it will end your headaches forever. And it does - I mean, it doesn't solve all your problems or anything - heh heh - but it sure makes your head feel better.

Orangejello: Wow, that's amazing, I mean, if only I didn't have this headache, it feels like I could get a handle on the rest of my problems.

Fred: Uh, you want to try it?

Orangejello: Do I'! Not having a headache - that'd be like - well, like dying and going to heaven!

Fred: Go ahead and take the bottle then. We can chat about it on Saturday at the BBQ.

Orangejello: Wow, thanks! (looks around confusedly) Wasn't I in here for some reason?

Fred: I think you were going to make some copies, but I don't think you brought the master.

Orangejello: Oh' yeah, right. Um?

Fred: Why don't you go get it and come on back. You can cut in any time.
Orangejello: I will. And thanks again for the medicine. I'm going to go take a closer look at the label now. (starts to walk out.)

Fred: You do that! (sits back down. Suddenly, slaps head and looks disgusted with himself.) Oh no! I gave her the bottle! Now how am I supposed to share it with anybody?
The End

* Pronounced 'o-Rahn-zhell-o' We did not make this up: A hapless pair of twins is out there somewhere named Orangejello and Lemonjello (le-MON-zhell-o). Mom had a thing for citrus gelatin products. Of course, as with all our skits, feel more than free to omit our silly jokes and asides and replace them with your own!)

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