Life Raft

Actors: 4 to 7, any gender Reference: Matthew 22:1-14 Notes: The parable of the wedding feast

Full Script

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Scene: There’s been a terrible plane crash. Many passengers escaped the wreckage, only to find themselves stranded in the middle of the sea. Joe, however, was lucky enough to find himself an inflatable life raft. Just before we come in, he’s invited Floyd to come on board, which he did. As we enter, April is swimming by – although for some reason, it looks more like she’s trying to direct a motor boat.

Joe: Ahoy there! How’s it going?

April: Oh, Hi! Not bad!

Joe: Hey, that was a pretty awful plane crash. As you can see, there’s lots of room on this raft. You want to jump in?

April: Oh, no, that’s OK. As you can see, I’m lucky enough to have my own boat. It’s a Zodiac with an outboard motor!

Floyd: (Taps Joe on the shoulder) Uh, I don’t see a boat.

Joe: Uh, me either. Um, I don’t mean to pry, but it seems to me like you’re just treading water.

April: What are you talking about? I’m doing just fine in my boat! Thanks for the offer, but I’ll be just fine on my own! (“jets” off.)

Joe: Wait! There’s sharks! (pause, looking off the way April left) Oh! No! You hate to see that!

Floyd: Wow. I think those sharks just proved there wasn’t any boat.

Joe: Yeah, I think so. Ouch!
(Barb swims in, apparently in a hurry.)

Joe: Hey there! There’s room in this raft!

Barb: Oh, no, no. I haven’t got time for a raft. Way too much to do today!

Joe: Too much to do?!

Barb: Oh, yes, I’m very busy. Gotta hair appointment at 3. And then there’s a wedding shower in the evening – Oh man, I haven’t got a gift yet, so I’ll have to shop for that. Then I have to feed the cat – she hates being cooped up all day too. And then there’s a job interview on Monday morning. Oh yes, I’m much too busy.

Joe: (incredulous) A hair appointment? Um, in case you haven’t noticed, there was a huge plan crash and you’re in the middle of the ocean without a boat.

Barb: Look, I can’t let a little think like a plan crash distract me. I’ve got much too much to do. Thanks for the offer, but I’ve gotta make some time here. (swims off.)

Joe: (watching her go.) Oh! No! Oh, that’s gonna leave a mark!

Floyd: I don’t think she’s going to make her hair appointment.

Joe: No, I don’t think she will. (Turns to F, sitting behind him, and squints at him.) Um, Floyd, about that shirt you’re wearing. Is that sequins all over it? It’s making my eyes hurt.

Floyd: Oh no, not sequins, razor blades! This is my razor suit! This is the outfit that says “Don’t mess with me! I am one tough guy!”

Joe: (incredulous, again. He spends a lot of time being incredulous.) Razor suit? But why? Uh, is it so the sun will glint off it and signal the rescue plane?

Floyd: Oh, no, it’s just to cut stuff with.

Joe: Floyd, I don’t know quite how to say this, but we’re on a life raft. An *inflatable* life raft. The only thing you’re likely to cut around here is the boat. Which would probably make us die, seeing as we don’t have a patch kit. Why don’t you just take that thing off and toss it overboard. Here, I’ll trade you for this life vest.

Floyd: Take it off? No way, man! This is my razor suit! Besides, it wouldn’t be environmentally friendly. I mean, you know how you always have to cut up those little plastic rings that come on your six-packs so they don’t strangle birds or turtles? This would be even worse for the fish!

Joe: Floyd, look, it’s either the fish or us. You’re going to have to decide.

Floyd: You’re kidding, right?

Joe: No, man. We can’t have that thing on our boat.

Floyd: You know, you’re really starting to vex me. Fine, I’ll just get out of the boat. I’ll make it on my own! (Jumps off)

Joe: Wait, Floyd! (watches) Oh, you Hate to see that! Wow, he was right about the fish though. I don’t think I’ve ever seen the inside of a shark. Yuck!
(Candy dog-paddles by)

Joe: Hey there! How’s it going?

Candy: Oh, you know, not so good. I mean aside from the fact I’m stuck in the middle of the ocean and all I know is the dog paddle, it’s fine.

Joe: Hey, I’ve got lots of room on this raft for some reason. Why don’t you jump in?

Candy: Uh, aren’t you that guy from first class?

Joe: Well, yeah, but…

Candy: ‘Cause I don’t know if it’s OK for me to mix with the likes of you. See, I fly baggage.

Joe: That’s irrelevant. C’mon, jump in!

Candy: You sure? ‘Cause the stewardess made it pretty clear we weren’t welcome when she shut that curtain in my face.

Joe: Don’t be silly! There is plenty of room on this raft. Just get in before the sharks get you!

Candy: Well, if you’re really OK with someone like me… (gets in, and sits right next to Joe, practically in his lap.)

Joe: Uh, this is a pretty big boat.

Candy: Oh… yeah. (chastened. Moves aside a ways.) I’ll just sit over here…
(Don floats in)

Don: Dude! You in the raft! Pick me up!

Joe: Sure, uh, Dude. Come on over! There’s plenty of room!

Don: (Hooks an arm over the raft.) Wow, I’m sure glad you came along. I’m staring to get tired. (Starts to climb in, catches sight of Candy.)

Don: Whoa, wait a minute dude. I thought this was gonna be, like, y’know, a *dude’s* raft.

Joe: Uh, what do you mean?

Don: Well, that’s a pretty feminine looking dude, if you catch my drift.,

Candy: (waves) Hi!

Joe: No, she’s a lady all right.

Don: Oh, that’s not good dude. Women on any kind of vessel are Bad Luck!

Joe: What are you talking about?

Don: Well, look, they let women on the plane, right? And now the plane’s in the water!

Joe: Um, I’m pretty sure that’s a coincidence.

Don: Look, if it was just us dudes, we could talk about football and barbeque, and Nascar!

Joe: I hate Nascar.

Don: Oh, you’re losing me dude. I think I’ll wait for the next raft. Thanks anyway! (swims off.)

Joe: (watches a minute.) Oh, no! (puts hands over Candy’s eyes) Don’t look! You don’t want to see that! Oh, that’s terrible! I don’t feel so well – I think I’m going to be sick! (heaves over the side of the raft.)

Candy: Wow, is that what they eat in first class? No wonder!

Joe: Just don’t look!
(Evelyn swims in, holding onto a piece of flotsam with one arm and paddling with the other.)

Evelyn: Hey, nice boat you’ve got there!

Joe: Yeah, and we’ve got plenty of room. Jump in!

Evelyn: No, no, got it all under control. Gonna go build my own boat.

Joe: Build you own? Out of what?

Evelyn: Oh, there’s lots of good wreckage smoldering over there by those dorsal fins.

Joe: Wreckage?! Uh, aren’t you bleeding pretty bad from your arm wound?

Evelyn: Oh, don’t worry, that won’t slow me down.

Joe: But isn’t that some plane shrapnel sticking out?

Evelyn: (contemplates it.) Could be. No big deal.

Joe: Look, you really ought to climb on board!

Evelyn: No, no, thanks for the offer, really, but I’ll just be moving on. Gotta learn to be independent. (paddles off.)

Joe: (watching, as usual.) Oh, wow. Ouch! Wait, I think she’s gonna make it! She ripped that piece of shrapnel out of her arm and used it to kill the shark! Oh no. He’s got a brother. They hate it when you kill their siblings! This is Not pretty!
(turns to Candy) Well, it looks like we’re pretty much out of survivors.

Candy: Yeah, maybe we ought to start paddling. (Grabs an oar.) Row, row, row your boat, why’re we going in circles? (load and off key. Joe, in horror at her singing starts to climb overboard.)

Joe: Look! Look! Land! There’s an island right there! Why didn’t we see that before?! (sits back down. A little under his breath) Phew, thought it was gonna be the singing or the sharks there for a minute.

Candy: Oh, great! Let’s row faster! Row, row, row your boat!

Joe: No, no, you don’t have to sing anymore – the land’s right there!

Candy: (Under her breath.) Smite you, buddy. (Softer) Row, row, row your boat!
The End.





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