Gift Wrapping for Men
Got this from my mother, who clearly understands my wrapping techniques:
This is the time of year when we think back to the very
first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men; Gaspar, Balthazar
and Herb, went to see the baby Jesus and, according to the
Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts; gold,
frankincense, and myrrh." These are simple words, but if we
analyze them carefully, we discover animportant, yet often
overlooked, theological fact: There is no mention of
wrapping paper.
The words "wrapping paper" do not appear in the Bible, which
means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped.
This is because the people giving those gifts had two
important characteristics:
1. They were wise.
2. They were men.
Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the
point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can
tear it off. This is not just my opinion: This is a
scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I
know.
One is Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is
"if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when
the person opens it." The other is Gene, who told me he
does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes
more than 15 seconds per gift. "No one ever had to wonder
which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene said.
"They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs."
I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor
skills, I can never completely wrap them. I can take a gift
the size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a
piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball
court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still
see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I
camouflage this sector with a marking pen.) If I had been an
ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of
the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.
On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of
wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife,
like many women, actually likes wrapping things. If she
gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the
batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a
symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife
would wrap each individual volt.
My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills like
having babies that come more naturally to women than to men.
That is why today I am presenting:
GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN:
* Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If,
when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you
recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.
* The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item
on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design
on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped
in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must
be smoking crack.
* If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping
paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those
little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual
effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on
Christmas morning:
YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?
YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!
YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.
YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!
YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.
YOU: I also got you some myrrh.
In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what
you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during
this very special time of year, is that you save the
receipt.
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